yes yes
i told u i would have a new one.
this one has too much old shit,and alot of drama.
here it is.
add it.
stupidlam.livejournal.com/
its going to be better.
way more intense.
more intriguing.
better written.
just let me think.
and ill post the link when it is created.
crumpled chocolate from christmas oreos,have taken over my mouth.
im watching scream queens,I really think i would be able to do this,like 5 times better.It just comes naturally. HAHA i straight have no life right now dude. I have been seriously been doing shit,but fucking own on call of duty 4 and world at war. :]
Im probably one of the only girls who can whoop ass on games like that,I should try out for those like battles that gamers have,I would probably make bank.
Ok,so this weekend,i think im chillin with "S"
I told him to take me to the beach and he said at first maybe.but then i wrote a sad face,and then he said yeah,so im like fuck yeah!! hopefully the weathers nice.
Lets see.
im going to go to the quad,and fill out applications,i think ill wait till sunday,or even monday.
well see.
Last Night....was thee funiest shit ever haha...
everyone here had the mexican munchies,so me and samie drove to Molca Salsa,dude it was like cop fucking city,over in la mirada and la habra.fuck
haha
anyways,so we ordered,and we were driving,it was like almost 3 a.m,we were driving home and she was like dude fuck this,she pulled over and whipped out on of her tacos,so,haha she was like take the wheel,i was like ok,we were by her house,lauren,by this time,and i was holding the wheel still,so like she just had her foot on the gas,and i was sterring,she was like,"i feel like a tourist,im all sight seeing"and im over here with my back arched in a weird ass angle holding the wheel,i held that shit all the way to imperial lmfao.
anywho it was funny. :]
i guess you had to be there.
okay im out.
i hope i get to see the ocean tomorrow.
and i hope i get to get starbucks,while filling out applications.
anywho,have a good one,i have a feeling I am.
:]
were moving,back here to norwalk.
These are my old stomping grounds,so it shouldnt be all that bad.
im going to sign up for the Otis school of art.
well see how that goes.
:]
ive been drawing way more often than usual.
The last drawing I did was of edward cullen [robert pattison]
but the most recent PAINTING,is of my aunt samantha.
i have a picture of my phone,of it.
let me send it to my email and ill post it.
give me a second
it looks like shit right here.
but its beautiful in person :]
Art title:in spirit.
medium:oil [on canvas]
time spent:2 hours
description:My aunt asked me to paint her something that represented herself.
She loves owls,so i was thinking about native indians,How they say everyone has an animal.
So i was like okay,I can take that concept and use it into my piece,So what I did,was I painted my aunt with
her eyes closed to make it seem more reallistic,then i made the barn owl form out of her hair.
I put the turqiouse/teal colour as the back ground to bring out the colours used.
Enjoy.
- Location:Norwalk
- Music:tarnation theme song.
read,read,read,read,read.
I love books,my escape.
to think it would be books.
I never thought for me to escape, would be my face between pages, of someone elses knowledge.
Ive read many so far,last month.
Now i need books to read this month.
Since i am infact a twilight fan,haha,yes, a huge one at that,im going to re-read the twilight saga.
I also read the first 265 pages of midnight sun,edwards point of view,on twilight.
ITS FUCKING AMAZING.
it makes you fall even more in love with him.
the only shitty part is that stephanie meyer has yet to finish it,so it ended right before the meadow :[
Its sort of like the quickdraft of the book, my aunt samantha,used some program to get around all the blocks that she used,so you couldnt print it,or even copy,make adjustments or anything.
But she found a program to break all the blocks :]
at first I had heard that she wasnt going to finish it,but i guess she decided to,THANk GOD.
i cant fucking wait to read it.
i cant wait to see new moon.
fuck imma geek
ahhhhhh, me oh my.
I havent felt this feeling in along while.
I feel it coursing through mybody,tingling everything,numbing the pain.
It feels beautiful.
inspiration.
i have never heard a song to make me feel so fucking real as a human being.
i feel here,sitting in my bed,listening to passion.
aahhhhhhhhhhhh,oh yes.
inside my blue veins.
yesterday was thanksgiving,nothing much to be thankful for,other then living,and the 1/2 love that surrounds us,my family.
it started off bad,my grandmother of course,one of thee most unhappiest persons that lives and breaths on this dying world.Started with me,and me the fire,the rage,that manifests the person i once was,couldnt control these words,and streaming emotions,pouring out of my very highly sarcastic mouth.
she ruined my moms marvelous looking mashers,by throwing glass plates on top of them,and the glass shattering into a million little slivers,inside of the aluminum container,making my mommy start to cry,becuase she spent all morning trying to make everything perfect.
so we left.
we had thanksgiving with family minus my grandma,and sadly my nana.
but it turned out just fine,and my grandma later in the night apologized for her actions.
after dinner,we played twister,and drank.
and by the way,fuck that game,that shit was only made for acrobats,and i am no where close to it.
later in the night i got ready,and me my aunt sam,her husband,and my brother,went to theyre freind steves house,with fozzball.I didnt realize it till after,but I had been there before,its a chill place,a lounge,i guess to be called. pool table,darts,bob marley posters,naked woman pictures everywhere,bons,pipes,a refer.
FULL ON lounge.
I didnt drink much.
i barely had a little head change,i was going on 6 coronas deep,and nothing.
all in all it was a good night.
- Music:blue veins-the racontuers
I dont know how i came upon tlhis movie,then again i have a thing for underground indie films.
I like them alot.
watch it.
i liked it.
and plus joel edgerton is a fox [the father]
I havent been writing in here as often as I wanted to,I often as I said I was going to,due to the fact that i have a journal,well its more like a book,i want to write a book,i think it would be interesting,well the stories,i mean.
im going to take a journalism class,since i love to write,I would really love to go to a third world country,to record all that is happening,but knowing my bad luck,id die,then again,that doesnt sound too bad.
Im not a happy person like i once was,like I wish i could be,its hard,it really is.
Life,reality,the "way"ive been choosing to live.Im a low-life,it feels.like everything i put my mind to,its a waste of time,since in the end,IM the one making the decision.
I feel like the person I am now,is this emotional chaotic roller coaster,like its hard for me to get happy.
Me and my sister no longer get along,
I feel like im alone where i stand,no ones in front or in back of me.
im drowning in a 3 inch puddle.
I know what I have to do,yet people in my life keep telling me to do it.
IM LIKE "CANT YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!!!!"
Like im in a room surrounded by walls,or glass.like im frozen in a fucking bubble.
the only thing i have left is art.
and music.
and slightly family.
which arent doing good.
were going to move soon,but what I want to do is move to missouri with my moms grandma,i just wanna go somewhere and feel different.
be one with my surroundings,go some place where i am a stranger.
maybe then well i find where i need to be,or even who i am,or maybe i can once again smile,and mean it.
my life is a twisted and distorted excuse for a life at all.
ive changed,sooo much.
and nothing about it is good.
im here at home,smoking weed.having to feel the high to feel any real emotion towards shit around me.
WHAT HAVE I BECOME.
who am i?
i miss....fuck what i miss.
everything i missed,or still miss,cant be good anyway right?
thats why they arent,SHE isnt in my life anymore.
i miss it in the beginning,when theyre were no secrets,no lying,no fakeness,no other people in our freindhip but US.
when we were one person in two bodies.when we tell each other nothing would ever come in between us,when we saw old ladies in a car smoking cigarrettes,with big glasses and cute styles,and say,"thats going to be us,when we get old"
when we would fucking have thee best adventures,no one could ever compare.
when we would smoke,or drink,and write,and draw,and tell each other how it was.
when starbucks,cigarrettes,and paint all that mattered.
when we would get wasted,and dance all sweaty,and record ourselves singing kanye west and eating taco bell,and when u went to the bathroom,i took a small bite of ur crunchrap,cause yours looked better.
when we got matching tattoos.
when i graduated,you were there.
when i got kicked out,you were there.
when i cried,you were there.
when you cried,i was there.
when you would speak,i would listen.
i can go on forever.
this can never be again,and even if i would want it to,it wouldnt be the same.
im too unhapy to be that cool again.
i need someone real to talk to.
someone who just wants to listen,instead of judge me.
im a sad human being.
ive lost all signs of the person i once was,the personality i once had.
- Music:almost lover-a fine frenzy
from bob marley to mozart.
my music preference screams weirdo.
well..............slightly.
ive gotten into some different genres that i never looked over before.
i love the opera.
i love instrumental.
music is my fix,when i have nothing else to rely on.
i spoke to danny today,after me ignoring his texts for abouut 2 weeks.
i dont have anything to say to him anymore,i feel like hes different,just as much as im sure,he feels the exact same way.
he imed me today,and me of course,kept it short and cold.
VERY stand-off-ish. i was aware,and he also.
the thing is,i dont feel anything for it,anymore.like i once had.
the same as the rest of the people i once called "freinds"
theres michelle.
and johnathan.
the only people i would fight for.
god im changing.I told myself that my life would be a masterpiece,and im just as sad as everyone else.
i got a new journal.
im going to write in it,as if i was writing a book,maybe if its good enough someday,ill start a new livejournal,or blog and let all you critisizers,dumb me down.
till that day comes.........ill just live along.
- Music:mellowdrone
nothing new on this side of town,only that i feel changed.
im sure people feel like "is it pyhsically impossible to change over a short period of time"
but i dont suppose so.
has there ever been anything in your life that u feel like can do something critical by the way you think?or they way you possibly live?
I found it.
i did,and i feel like that most of my readers would judge to a sense of no return,i feel struct down by some feeling,and it isnt well.
it IS an idiotic feeling of some kind of "change" but I AM trying,if you fucking judges havent noticed,and im sure at this moment you might come across the feeling that,yes,jill is drunk,yes i HAVE had to much to drink tonight,and my emotions run effertly through me,and,how might it be in the least but possible that she is writing pretty well,well let me tell you,it takes mother fucking practice at that fact.
but anywho.someone once asked me "how do you feel passion?""how are you passionate about somehitng"well
passion about,u feel it like no other person has felt it before,like new life,likke its ripped you apart,and raped every orphace you have in everypart of your body,you cant control this emotion,its love,its sex,its education,its everything.
SO as i get down to the point of this whole journal would be:i found another passion of mine,and i am not afraid to let u in on it.
I am highly passionate about READING.
for the past 3 days i have read 3 books.
the twilight saga.
i AM in love with a fictional character in a book,im sure most of the people who dont look at me with "like"should laugh at this,but no, there is in no point of judging me at this,when i read this "sequel"i find myself completley lost with emotion,lost without love for myself,for the way i live.
i want to be part of this story,a fake character stcuk inna a love like no other.
i dont know what something like this would feel like.
i dont know what love is.
what real love is.
i feel like ive given up,on something that could become something so important in life.yet here i am,giving up,because i want a love like this vampire and this human combined.
true love.
i feel as though im missing out on things that could grow on me,that could make me different.
i miss my past and the people in it.
i feel broken,and i aint gonna lie.
I HAVE GROWN APART FROM EVERYONE I CA
CAUSE TO THE FACT THAT,i dont really know.
im rambling on.
something is wrong with me.
im so fucking emotional.
far away.
i just want to leave everyone and everything behind.
just me and my family and a new future ahead.
shits tiring.
everything.
trying to live and shit,its just not working out here.
i wouldnt mind leaving my freinds behind and making new ones,
i NEED it.
im single,i dont like anyone anymore.
all there is are lames and shit,nothing is perfect anymore,
maybe im just tired.
fuck you,fuck HIM.
it was just a waste of time,a mere silly crush that did nothing for me,but make me want,and you cant always get what you want.
im donzoes.
my mom was in the hospital for about 2 days,had everyone worried and shit.
but shes okay now,ive been taking care of her for sheezy!
i went to the whittier curt house,come to find out,i have a mandatory court date in feb,yes yes in front of thee judge.
shits been weird.lets leave it at that.
today lenex turned 6, he had a bowling costume party and it was fun :]
eveyone looked cute haha.
and tonight im going to a tattoo shop party in hollywood.
woot, i have a costume.
im going to be a sailor chick lol.
:]
thats it for now.
outs
I swear i was sitting there telling her about my life,about everything for long hours.
and her telling me what the fuck was up.
she has degrees in quite an amount of things and also knows alot of people,which is good.
she was telling me about college,that with my skills and shit i can go to college for free,and dont even have to get a job,because the financial aid will pay for everything.
then she was asking me more of personal questions,and i told her the truth you know.
about freinds,and love haha ect.
i told her about the dude.
and she said that u cant take a risk or a chance if you dont go for it,and ect.
it was a good talk,it really was.
and eye opener,so heres what im going to do,like now
FOR THIS MONTHS AGENDA:
getting my permit and licsense within the month.
filling out my financial aid for college and is going to start next semester.
lenexs big 6th b-day party,with danzig :] we have to dress up.
and i told danny that were not going to knotts but i think we really are :]
just not the date we planned.
so yes.
:]
lets see what happens
<3
have a good one
i just want to tell him,like just be like i like you.
but yes,like evry other girl out there who has feelings,who has emotions im not going to say it,because yes i am scared of rejection,more then anything,and losing like the "thing" we have,our freindshio would hurt me more then anything.
I just i dont know what to do,he tells me everything,and i tell him everything,except my past,because i have done some stupid shit,with stupid people,people who meant nothing to me,annn dhere i go sitting with this regret amongst my shoulders. But i mean,if you dont make mistakes in life,youll never learn,i guess you have to experience things to become someone,build character.
i drank,after 2 months of being sober,woody came over and we handled the biggest bottle of malibu that i had straight,i mean yes its fruity but that shit after awhile fucks u up.I totally got wasted :]
we were playing games and shit,and recording my personal greeting on my phone,like old times.
heres was the best though,since i had made it heehee.
but anyways,i like him,i do.
and he wants a baby,im like fuck,i hope hes not thinking about going out and getting some girl pregnant,and get married,cause im going to have to regulate,and interfere.
haha if thats the sacrafice i have ti make,it vill happen. :]
Id rather choose to sacrafice something,then be forced to make one.
my gum is swollen on one side,and its killing me.
BAD
it hurts so fucking much.
gaaaaahhhhhhh.
angels coming from victorville tomorrow to see me,its almost been a year since i last saw him,which was halloween of last year.H ewas going to come today,but didnt end up coming.
I have to wake up early tomorrow,cause i have to go with my mom to her dr.appt,cause i might have a job,working with her.
its chill and its under the table,so i could collect unemployement,and work with her,well see how it goes.
if it doesnt go well,,,hahaha i have to wait to search for a job,cause ive been a bad girl and been smoking,lmao,so yeah.
i feel sick,i just ate a few chicken mcnuggies and i feel sick to my stomache.
i havent been eating alot since i shrunk my stomache,and ive started to work it,its about that time haha.
dannys coming over to work out tonite,and probably eat,idk.
were gonna go to knotts scary farm soon,and im excited cause i havent been there in years.
:]
other then that nothing else is new.
i hope all goes well tomorrow.
WISH ME LUCK!!
of the most beautiful sean daley.mmmmmmmmmmm
i have an idea,and hopefully it comes out right.
There are soo many paintings i need to work on!
FUCK!
fucker.
i could sale some.
i think i should.
so new news:
My lip is fucking swollen!
Im leaving to oakland on Friday for the weekend.
going to knotts scary farm in like 2 weeks.
going to chill with an old freind stephanie.
going to get my costume in like a week.(cop :])
eh thats kid of it for now.
Dude he is thee biggest fucking loser,EVER!!!!!
he talks so much fucking shit,about her,and im sure about me.
hes a two faced fat fuck.
thats bordeline gigantic for you right there
wanna know what he called me?
A FUCKING REJECT.
im like yeah u sweaty fat fuck,thats why nooo girl would take a glance or a crack at you,lmao
he is pathetic and ugly,and tried to get at me,AND FUCCCK NO!!!!
anyways,hes fake.
and a shit talker,and called me slut,lmao,im like fuck at least I CAN GET GUYS U FUPA!!!
he cant even get a handshake.
i want to smoke.
watching my baby niece lilibean.
waiting.......for some good news.
like beyond faded.
I went to buiena park to see woody and her moms janell,and she left,so her mom was like alright well ill leave you herb,so she left us quite enough to get super fucking faded.
so brittney rolled a joint,she was going to roll a blunt butt idk haha,so liikee we smoked some stoggies outside,then i was like lets go smoke and watch the love guru,so we went to her moms room,and sparked it up :D
we blazedd like whooaa,then we had like almost 2 bowls,so we handled the pipa :D
i was gooonnnne.
i dont even remeber the movie,all i know was that i kept getting alot of texts from gabe,and some from danny.
and my shit kept going off,and i was like WTF.
dude i smoked soo much i felt like my throat was closing,or something like wtf.
haha
then i woke up to a wake and bizzake...woody saved me sick greens and i handled.
so all day ive been high.
im home now,and downloading sick ass music.
its a lzay day.
tomorrow>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>oh mursskiez.
oh well,but all i know is that im going to see them in october :D/
also,if i didnt plug in the cord to my laptop,it would have went in standby.
haha
anyways.
so yesterday,i wasnt thinking of going out,then i hit up joseph to see what he was doing,and he was like
"im with gabe,getting fucked up"
i was like tell that fucker i said what up.
hes told joseph to ask if i wanted to chill so i was like alright im down,ill get ready,gabe straight said"dont wear no panties"
LMFAO>>>>>this fooool!
nah it was fucking funny dude.
gabes a chill dude when u get to know him better haha.he cracks me up no doubt.
we had to act like an item,and everytime he called me something funny like baby or lover girl i couldnt help but laugh.
i was like YESSS MUFFIN.
shit was hilarious.
that fool could hang straight up.
i have never met ANY and i mean ANY guy who can smoke the greens all night,drink all night,and smoke a couple of ciggs and not puke,not pass out,or anything.
hes funny,anywho..he likes the music i like and he was like wtf living legends are playing im like yes!!!!
hes like fuccck im like i knoe,im like theyre playing in oct.in L.A,hes like really,im like IM THERE.
haha
anywho.
today:
going to my grandmas for a bit,then heading to buena park wooot.
to probably blaze,and eat,and kick it for a bit.
idk if thedirdam is gonna pick up my camera for the show,so im just going to take it.
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